How do I go on?
Just an empty room...
All I have are memories.
I need a task to do
Someone give me a task to do
I need a.....
I thought that somehow we would always have forever
I thought the promises we made would have a different end
I thought the love we shared would keep us as we were
It was the fire within me.
We dreamed and plotted with abandon in this attic
When we were gathered here the room became our citadel
We were amazing then my sister and I
She was the fire within me
In this room I knew we were alive
Nothing was too painful to survive
We faced the world together
The two of us forever side by side
Everything I promised was for her
I was hers no matter where or when
How can that be lost forever?
How when I gave everything with all my heart?
Everything I promised her is here
Both of us the way we used to be
We will always have each other
She will always be the fire in my heart
Here I go, and there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun
I may be small
But I've got giant plans
To shine as brightly as the sun
Here in all the smallest details of the past
Here in this attic suddenly life is something vast
The both of us forever here at last
As unexpected as can be
Astonishing.
I wish I could post with happier news. I wish with all of my heart that I could be saying that we got the results back from my sisters final scans and she is completely tumor free. I wish I could say that she just needs to do a few months of physical therapy and then she can get back to Florida, back up on that float, right where she belongs.
However, my sweet sister's condition got exponentially worse literally overnight. She was admitted back to Huntsman Cancer Institute on Friday, February 26th, hopefully to control the pain that was getting so much worse in her back and between her shoulder blades. I was able to go up for the weekend and spend time with her, even though she was almost completely unconscious because of the amount of pain medication she was on. I went back on Sunday night on the condition that my mom would call me if ANYTHING changed. She called me on Monday night and told me that I needed to come up that night. There wasn't anything more they could do for Brittanie and she would be gone within a couple weeks, possibly a matter of days.
For the next 5 days, we had a constant stream of visitors at the hospital, including her roommates from Florida Meg and Beth, Beth's fiancee Trevor, Brittanie's best friend Sawyer from Las Vegas, Chirpie from California, Becky from Colorado, Victoria from Florida, and a number of friends and family from around Utah.
Saturday morning around 5:30, my mom called me at home and said that Brittanie was getting close and I needed to get there. Chirpie had just made it into town a few hours earlier, so Sawyer and I woke him up and brought him to the hospital with us and hoped that we would make it in time for Chirpie to have a few minutes with Brittanie. Chirpie was with her until about 6:30, then my dad and mom and I slept in her room with the monitors turned up so if anything started to change, we would wake up.
About 8:25, I heard the alarms start to go off and my parents start to move around. My mom woke me up and told me to go to Brittanie's bedside. Within a minute or two, my sweet sister was free of all the pain and torture from this evil disease.
The next few hours are a blur to me. There are many things that I will remember for the rest of my life, like finally being able to lie with her and hug her and hold her without worrying about hurting her. I sat with her and sang to her and just felt so much peace. My best friend was out of pain and was dancing with angels and partying with our Grandpa Duke, Uncle Cliff, Aunt Deb and Inkie, our dog.
I remember my sister in law, Andy, making me lie down at one point because I was hysterical and finally giving me a Valium. Leave it to me, right? After that, I don't remember much. Except for one little inside Ellen joke that I knew she sent to make me smile. And it worked :) I was vaguely aware about an hour later of my dear friend, Shordy, coming to my parents house and lying with me until I fell asleep, but after that I was out for a few hours.
The next day, we celebrated my sisters life in true Brittanie Siobhan fashion: with an Oscar Party! My brother, sister in law, two nieces, Sawyer, Chirpie, my parents and I filled out Oscar ballots, each put $5 in the pool and watched the entire show. Its a tradition we've had for years and even when Brittanie was on the other side of the country, we would all call one another on commercial breaks and talk about the awards given since our last conversation. We like to think she had a front row seat at the awards that night. Right next to Heath Ledger :)
The week after that is also pretty blurry. Lots of arrangements were made, and thats pretty much it. Friday night, the 12th, was the viewing. The turn out was out of this world, but then, did Brittanie ever expect anything traditional? So many friends, family members, coworkers (past and present) and childhood neighbors showed up to pay their respects and let us know how much they loved our girl. When our family got there at 5:45pm, the line was already out the door and it wasn't even scheduled to start until 6. We didn't leave the funeral home until 9:30 that night. It was amazing.
Saturday is almost too difficult to describe right now. I hope I'll be able to at some point, but I feel as though right now it is too sacred. She would have been very pleased though. There were tears, but more importantly, there was laughter. After the services and the luncheon, Sawyer, Chirpie and his friend Tim, Shordy and I came back to the house and had a Brittanie Movie Night. We watched Drop Dead Gorgeous and 300 and ate lots of Fat Kid Food. She would have been very proud of the Fat Kids :)
Now its technically 3 days after the funeral and I have to return to my life in Provo tomorrow night. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that, though. I can't imagine a "normal life" without my sister. My partner in crime. My other half. So I guess we'll see how that goes. I know she'll be with me, helping take every step. And I know that she wouldn't want me to sit around and be sad. She'd want me to go on with my life, remember her, and make my life Astonishing. http://obit.russonmortuary.com/obitdisplay.html?id=763390&listing=Current
