I'm Nothing Special

I don't have a famous blog. I don't have hundreds of followers. I'm not even sure I have 5 followers. I think this is more of just a void for me to dump my feelings into. So if you happen to read this, thank you :) But at the same time, I apologize for the ridiculous amounts of stuff you probably don't care about that you will read. These are just a few things that I've been thinking about a lot lately and need to get in print.

1. I care about my friends an enormous amount. Whether I just met you or have known you for years, I care about you. For example, I have known the people in the cast of All Shook Up for approximately a month, and there are people there that I would take a bullet for.

2. I love exercising. I know that is normal for a lot of people, but I was always that kid in junior high and high school that did everything in my power to not participate in gym class. Since I got a membership to the gym, though, I have decided that I love to exercise. One of my favorite feelings is being sore the day after a great workout.

3. I love being busy. Granted, it has recently been very detrimental to my health. But last semester, I worked a 9-5 job, took online classes, participated in a show with a relatively short run in which I had my first ever solo song, and spent every night I could at the library until midnight to make sure I kept my grades up. It was grueling, exhausting, and at times it was insanely frustrating. But now, I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I am loving taking this summer off and spending the days at the gym and watching movies with my mom and getting pedicures with my niece. That being said, I can't wait for school to start. To be on campus with a bunch of other students, be able to study in a library, make friends in classes, and actually have something to study when I get home.

4. I 100% support gay marriage. I am an active member of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I have no doubts in my mind that my gay friends have every right as me to get married. I believe that the Lord wants them to be happy and loves them just as much as He loves the President of our church.
5. I miss my sister in a way that could never be measured. No tool or equation could possibly get close to it. I'm so incredibly grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will see her again. I know it won't be for years and years, but I feel her with me daily.

6. My parents are the most incredible people I know. They have been through so much together and their marriage is so strong. But on top tof that, they are the most supportive parents I have ever heard of. They have never missed a SINGLE performance I have been in. In 10 productions, approximately 12 shows each, and tickets ranging anywhere from $8 to $18 per person, they have spent almost $2000 on tickets to shows I'm in. And the show I'm in currently is the first lead I've ever had. I've been dancing in the background for the majority of these shows, but they've been there every night. If you can think of something more incredible than that, you should probably call the Guiness Book of World Records.

7. My guilty pleasure is terrible television. I love shows like Pretty Little Liars, The Sweet Life of The American Teenager, The Vampie Diaries, and One Tree Hill. And I LOVE made for TV movies. The old school Disney Channel Original Movies were the best.

8. I have recently put together my bucket list and I have every intention of doing everything on it. Some of them are ridiculous, but I refuse to say it's impossible for me to date Ryan Gosling.

9. I will forever have place in my heart for the guy who played Dean in Motocrossed. He was my make believe boyfriend for most of 8th grade and I don't care who knows it.

10. I hate staying up late, but at the same time I love it. I would go to bed at 9 o'clock every night if I could, but from about 11 o'clock on, I love it. I love how it feels when the world is asleep and it feels like I'm the only one awake. I accomplish more between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am than I do during the rest of the day. But I definitely know how to sleep and I'll take pretty much every opportunity to do so.

The end.

There Were Two Little Babies Whose Names I Don't Know...

Strange title, right? Well, it's the first line of a song my grandma sang to me the other day. She was over at our house for her birthday dinner and while we were watching 'Singin in the Rain', someone came to the door for my parents, so it was just me and my grandma in the living room for a while. I've never really talked to my grandma before. I don't know why. I interviewed her once for an AP Psychology project, but I was a stupid high school senior and everything she said went in one ear and out the other. I didn't realize how precious my time with her was. But, the other night, I learned things about my grandmother that I never knew before. We started talking about her father and her siblings and the memories that she has of them, and before I knew it, almost an hour had passed. She had so many sweet stories of sitting around with her father, listening to his "beautiful tenor voice" sing these songs to her. She's getting older and starting to suffer from dementia, but she remembered one of these songs well enough to sing it for me. I didn't know my grandma sang! At all! You could tell that when she was younger, she had a beautiful alto voice. It was so special to hear her sing these things and watch as she remembered the times with her family, especially her father, who died when she was young.

There isn't really a grand ending to this post, I guess. But, I realized that this woman is more interesting than I thought, and maybe I've got more in common with her than I would have imagined. Who knew?

Stupid People

I'm sorry, but just because you feel the need to say something, doesn't mean you actually should. THINK before you speak. Or type, in this case. And who knows, maybe my response makes me guilty of the exact same thing and he is thinking the exact same thing about me right now. Maybe he's blogging about it, too. But, seriously. You have NO right to say that you know more about this than we do. Trust me. I know PLENTY more than I ever wanted to know. And if you start a sentence with "Not to be a downer, but..." then you should probably just avoid that statement because it is a downer and you are going to piss someone off. Today, that someone is me. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but you're not the only one who gave someone over to this wretched disease. Think about that before you go telling us about prevention and that there will probably never be a cure. It's a little late for that.

Reason numero uno I'm not a gymnast

So, I'm doing this show. It's called 'Camp Rock' and it's awesome. I'm a dancer for both camps (come see the show if you want an explanation!) and it's the most dance intensive show I've ever done. It was a rocky start, though. Well, at least for me. I was hanging out with a couple of the guys from the show and Lauren at a gymnastics gym place. Now, let's start by putting out there that I've never been a gymnast. My body is much too long to throw myself around like that and that was when I was a kid. Now that I'm a full grown human and there is much more to throw around there is even less of a chance of being successful. When I got to the gym, first off, the girl at the register asked to see my ID. I'm fully aware of the fact that I look younger than I am (not much, but a little), but this chick was like 17. I didn't have my ID because I didn't want to bring a purse with my wallet and ID and everything into a gym with lots of kids that would like nothing more than to pull everything out of said purse and lose it all. I told the 17 year old on a power trip that I didn't have my ID, but I promise that I'm over 18. She looks at me all skeptical-like and tells me that without an ID, I can't come in. Lauren is nice enough to vouch for me before I tell this girl that I had my ID before she was born (Yes an exaggeration, but I was thoroughly annoyed). So, she lets me in, out of the goodness of her giant heart, and I enter my own personal version of hell.
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. They are so cute and so much fun. But when they throw themselves at you, it hurts. Thus, my hell: Children throwing themselves everywhere, off of stuff, over stuff, into stuff. Thinking that it might be time for me to branch out and try something new, I follow when every one heads over to a rock wall. I can do rock walls. That is one place where long legs and arms come in very handy. However, to get to this rock wall, you run down a long ramp, jump into a foam pit and have to work your way over to it. I ran, I jumped, I landed in the foam pit, I rejoiced in my little adventure. Then, I blacked out a little bit. Yup, one of the small children throwing themselves around had jumped off of the ramp and landed on my head. When the room stopped spinning, I realized which one of the children had landed on me. I'm pretty sure he was the offspring of the Hulk. Probably 12 years old. LOTS of kid to land on my little head. I shook it off, well, didn't actually shake because that would have hurt my head, and continued my adventure. I climbed the rock wall, fell off the rock wall into the foam pit, learned how to do a flip into a different foam pit and suddenly felt invincible.
Then, I decided to take it on. There was this amazing platform that you could jump off of onto a super powered trampoline where you were supposed to propel yourself onto another trampoline and then throw yourself onto a pile of mats. Sounds pretty epic, right? The platform is about 12-15 feet high, but realizing "Hey, I'm 23 years old. Let's not get crazy", I slide down so I'm only about 8-10 feet off the ground and jump onto the trampoline of doom. I was suddenly way higher in the air than I was expecting to be and terrified for my life.
Realizing a split second too late that I needed to propel myself onto the next trampoline, I tried. I really did. But, alas, it was too late and I fell short of the trampoline. I experienced every parents nightmare when their child jumps on the trampoline. I landed on the bar. Let's talk about a sudden stop. My right ankle was throbbing and I couldn't feel my foot. Refusing to look like an idiot (because I didn't already....), I said I wasn't hurt and stood up. When I stood up, the bones above my ankle went one way and my foot went the other. I know I didn't get an 8 year degree in medicine, but I was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen. I walked, kinda, over to a chair and tried to figure out what had just happened. I could walk on it, so I didn't think it was broken, but I've never broken a bone before, so there was a sliver of doubt. I stopped jumping around and accepted that I was probably hurt.
After leaving, it was time to go finish moving all of my stuff from Pleasant Grove to my storage unit and Provo. It was about 2 hours before I realized that something was seriously wrong. I could barely put weight on it, my entire leg was weak, and I don't remember ever being in so much pain. I looked at it for the first time since it happened and my ankle was, no exaggeration, about the size of a baseball. By the end of the day, my ankle looked like it had been shot up with Polyjuice Potion and was about 18 different shades of purple. I took the next day off of work and went to see the doctor. Well, the gastroenterologist I worked for until the middle of May. He looked at it and told me that it was a severe sprain with capillary rupture. He put me on crutches and told me to stay off of it for as long as I could. Which, as a dancer in a show that only rehearses for 6 weeks, was about 4 days. For the rest of the week, I worked and rehearsed on crutches. When I wasn't on crutches, I crawled. Talk about pathetic.
So, after 3 weeks of crutches, crawling, limping, hopping, 3200 mgs of ibuprofen a day, 3 ace bandages and 2 ankles braces, I think *knock on wood* it's almost healed. I actually wore high heels to church today :) Now, I just have to be as careful as I can for the next 2 weeks so it doesn't get in the way of this awesome show that I can't wait for!!!
Moral of the story: Trampolines = Bouncing death traps. The end.

Goodnight

Dry away the tear. Lay aside your fears. No more pain for my love. I am here, now go to sleep.

And when the angels come, I know that they will treat you well. That they will pull you through and lift you up from all that's held you down.

There's a heaven up there and it waits just for you. So close your eyes and dream and there will be a world you once knew.

A world without the pain that has stuck with you for far too long. A world that does contain a love like mine to watch you grow strong.

And when my time arrives, please wait and make a place for me. For when I do arrive, your face should be the first face I see.

So dry away the tears. Lay aside your fears. No more pain for my love. It is time.

Now go to sleep....

I listened to that song all the way from Centerville to Pleasant Grove. Sawyer had me listen to it about 7 months ago. I can't believe you've been gone longer than you were sick. For incredible selfish reasons, I long for the time a year ago when I anxiously awaited your return home so we could help you through this and get you back to Florida as soon as your little body was ready.
More than that, I long for the times when we were young. Not a care in the world except making sure Mom and Dad didn't walk downstairs before we could change the TV from Friends to the Disney Channel and making sure we pushed record in time to get the newest episode of X-Files. I remember the nights that we stayed up later than we should have, reading Star Wars books and you taking the time to stop when I had a question, pulling out one of your many Star Wars encyclopedias and explaining it to me. I'm sorry to admit, a lot of the time I still didn't totally understand, but I wanted so badly to be like you and to make you proud that I pretended to.

Now, I hope I still make you proud. I hope that these little glimpses of dragonflies and fettucine noodles in my spaghetti are you saying that you are here with me and you are proud of what I'm doing and the things I'm accomplishing.
I know you are sitting next to me right now and playing with my hair. I could really go for one of your scalp massages right now. But, instead, I wait. However impatiently, I wait. I wait for the day that I'll be able to see your face and finally be able to hold you and hear your voice and tell you for the millionth time that I really did like the present you gave me for my 2nd birthday. I only said I didn't because it was naptime and I was cranky! I feel a little silly posting this online, but I feel like you still see it.
I miss you so much I can hardly breathe. Please never leave my side. I need you here and I always will. Friends for life, through all kinds of trouble and struggle and strife. "We all have someone special in the world and I have you." My sweet sister. I love you with all of my heart and soul.

And PS-My bra's in my ass!!!

Packed like pickles. It'll catch on.

I miss Brittanie so bad I can hardly breathe. She read me Berenstein Bear books and American Girl books and Star Wars books until I fell asleep on her bed. She snuck me episodes of FRIENDS when I was too young to watch them on my own without feeling guilty. She introduced me to Ellen Degeneres' comedic genius. She made me watch ridiculous movies until I loved them. We consumed so many medium pizzas and cinnamon sticks from Dominos that its a miracle we didn't weigh 400 pounds by the time we were 20. She taught me about character integrity and cheered me on at my first and last parades. We talked about everything. And I guess we still do, but I wish I could hear her laugh when I tell her about my ridiculous days and the things I can't believe I did.

Through all of this though, I keep coming back to Ellen. And not because she's so inspirational and an amazing role model. She is, but thats not why. Its because she can always make me laugh. I know that seems weird and a little twisted. Who would watch stand up comedy right now? Brittanie would. And she would want me to. She'd want me to laugh. And while my true laughter may come rarely, it's nice to know that it still exists. And while I wish I could hear her amazing laugh, I know she's quoting Ellen right next to me and laughing. What a great laugh that is. I'm so jealous of the people in Heaven that get to hear it all the time. I have a video that she took of me a few years ago and she's laughing behind the camera. You can't see her, but you can hear her. Its such a treasure and I don't know what I'd do if I were ever to lose it.

I don't know what the message of this post is, or if there even is one. Except maybe to remember to laugh. You never know whose life you are touching or even bringing a smile to their face when you laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNvzHLYUlJ4

Watch it. It'll make you laugh. :)

Don't stop believin'...hold on to that feelin'

Ok so I'm officially the worst blogger ever! Its been forever since I updated this ol' thing. Not like anybody ever reads it, but just in case! Plus its cathartic for me, right? Life has been so crazy. I seriously feel like my life has been flipped upside down and this is all a dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I was talking to my mom about it the other day and if you had told me a year ago that I'd be hurrying to finish a certification program in time to get my own apartment, I'd still be working at Home Depot, and my sister would be my guardian angel, I probably would have slapped you and never spoken to you again.

A year ago seems like so long. I was in Beauty and the Beast and dating a great guy. I was stressing about school, but not super worried about it. I had awesome roommates and amazing friends. And most importantly, my sister was in Florida, performing, healthy, and happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with certain aspects of my life right now. I'm in an AWESOME show in Springville with some of the most talented people I've ever had the privelege to work with and have made so many new friends in the cast. I've gotten to be good friends with people (including my bestie) that I never would have met if I had quit Home Depot last summer like I had planned. My relationships with the amazing girls I met in Florida have been put to the test and they have more than stepped up to the challenge and made our friendships so much stronger. I'm getting close to being done with my Medical Assisting program, which is going to be a huge relief.

But then, the inevitable happens, and I get hit with a huge wave of "Remember how you had a sister four months ago?" I know she wants me to be happy and continue to love my life. And part of me is and does. But I feel like the stress of everything is starting to really weigh on me and take its toll. If I want to move out of my apartment (AND I DO!), then I have to be done with my program by the time my contract is up on August 20th so I have a steady income to pay for my own place. Now this doesn't sound like a lot, but it includes a period of front office work that takes anywhere from a week to 4 weeks and an internship. Plus, all of the clinical stuff that I haven't quite finished. This show in Springville (THAT I LOVE!!) is kind of a time suck (4 hours every Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday). I'm trying to work enough to stay afloat so usually my day consists of school from 8-12, work from 12:30-5:30, theatre from 6:00-10:30. And I was even trying to squeeze in rehearsals for another show in Orem on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but came to the conclusion the other day that, unfortunately, thats not very realistic. So now, I'm doing everything that I can to keep myself sane and happy, which is a pretty tall order these days. But I know its possible! I just remember that my guardian angel is sitting next to me, cheering me on, and telling me to get off Facebook and study or get ready for the show :)

And since this is kind of a Debbie Downer post, lets take a page out of Kelly Marie Hennessy's book and make a list!

The Small Things That Make Me Smile

• Dragonflies
• Getting texts from my beefer

• The 'thread' on Facebook between the Florida girls that started 2 1/2 years ago and is now over 2000 messages

• Doing a pass off at school
• Getting up on that stage and becoming a skank from the 50s
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• In n Out
• Talking to old friends
• Watching Gilmore Girls
• Watching Gilmore Girls and hearing a line I had forgotten about and legitly laughing out loud
• Hearing something on Grey's Anatomy that I've learned about and actually knowing what they are talking about when someone needs an oophorsalpingohysterectomy
• Newsies
• Getting back in touch with people I haven't talked to in years
• Ellen Degeneres introducing Lauren Graham in Spanish
• Matthew Morrison. Nuff said.
• Getting a good parking spot
• Wearing my stage makeup to work when I won't have time to do it at the theater
• Seeing peoples reactions to me wearing stage makeup to work
• Seize the Day set to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Seriously. Look it up.
• Hearing my friends laughing from the other side of the register
• Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that is my employment at Home Depot
• Looking at one bedroom apartments
• The cute apron I plan on buying to use in my new apartment
• Tuesday nights with Aimee
• Pretty Little Liars
• Learning that everyone is secretly a theater nerd. Admit it. You love Glee.
• Getting tickets to the midnight showing of Eclipse
• Remembering the midnight showing of Twilight
• Dancing in the shower
• Knowing that I'm starting blood draws either tomorrow or Monday.
• The color pink
• Waking up to texts that say "I love you have a good day"
• Calls from Laura just to call me princess and tell me she loves me

• Texts from Chelsie that say "Why don't you work today!?"









• Texts from Chelsie that say "You work today, right?!"
• Randomly calling my mom to say hi and being able to actually hear her smile when she hears my voice
• Knowing that my parents love me
• Seeing my parents in the front row of every performance of every show I've been in, even though they live an hour away
• Hearing things that I know my sister sent to make me smile
• Seeing things that I know my sister sent to make me smile

• Feeling my sister around
• Knowing that I'll always feel my sister around
• Knowing that tomorrow is a new day :)

Love you all so much!!!