There Were Two Little Babies Whose Names I Don't Know...

Strange title, right? Well, it's the first line of a song my grandma sang to me the other day. She was over at our house for her birthday dinner and while we were watching 'Singin in the Rain', someone came to the door for my parents, so it was just me and my grandma in the living room for a while. I've never really talked to my grandma before. I don't know why. I interviewed her once for an AP Psychology project, but I was a stupid high school senior and everything she said went in one ear and out the other. I didn't realize how precious my time with her was. But, the other night, I learned things about my grandmother that I never knew before. We started talking about her father and her siblings and the memories that she has of them, and before I knew it, almost an hour had passed. She had so many sweet stories of sitting around with her father, listening to his "beautiful tenor voice" sing these songs to her. She's getting older and starting to suffer from dementia, but she remembered one of these songs well enough to sing it for me. I didn't know my grandma sang! At all! You could tell that when she was younger, she had a beautiful alto voice. It was so special to hear her sing these things and watch as she remembered the times with her family, especially her father, who died when she was young.

There isn't really a grand ending to this post, I guess. But, I realized that this woman is more interesting than I thought, and maybe I've got more in common with her than I would have imagined. Who knew?

Stupid People

I'm sorry, but just because you feel the need to say something, doesn't mean you actually should. THINK before you speak. Or type, in this case. And who knows, maybe my response makes me guilty of the exact same thing and he is thinking the exact same thing about me right now. Maybe he's blogging about it, too. But, seriously. You have NO right to say that you know more about this than we do. Trust me. I know PLENTY more than I ever wanted to know. And if you start a sentence with "Not to be a downer, but..." then you should probably just avoid that statement because it is a downer and you are going to piss someone off. Today, that someone is me. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but you're not the only one who gave someone over to this wretched disease. Think about that before you go telling us about prevention and that there will probably never be a cure. It's a little late for that.

Reason numero uno I'm not a gymnast

So, I'm doing this show. It's called 'Camp Rock' and it's awesome. I'm a dancer for both camps (come see the show if you want an explanation!) and it's the most dance intensive show I've ever done. It was a rocky start, though. Well, at least for me. I was hanging out with a couple of the guys from the show and Lauren at a gymnastics gym place. Now, let's start by putting out there that I've never been a gymnast. My body is much too long to throw myself around like that and that was when I was a kid. Now that I'm a full grown human and there is much more to throw around there is even less of a chance of being successful. When I got to the gym, first off, the girl at the register asked to see my ID. I'm fully aware of the fact that I look younger than I am (not much, but a little), but this chick was like 17. I didn't have my ID because I didn't want to bring a purse with my wallet and ID and everything into a gym with lots of kids that would like nothing more than to pull everything out of said purse and lose it all. I told the 17 year old on a power trip that I didn't have my ID, but I promise that I'm over 18. She looks at me all skeptical-like and tells me that without an ID, I can't come in. Lauren is nice enough to vouch for me before I tell this girl that I had my ID before she was born (Yes an exaggeration, but I was thoroughly annoyed). So, she lets me in, out of the goodness of her giant heart, and I enter my own personal version of hell.
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. They are so cute and so much fun. But when they throw themselves at you, it hurts. Thus, my hell: Children throwing themselves everywhere, off of stuff, over stuff, into stuff. Thinking that it might be time for me to branch out and try something new, I follow when every one heads over to a rock wall. I can do rock walls. That is one place where long legs and arms come in very handy. However, to get to this rock wall, you run down a long ramp, jump into a foam pit and have to work your way over to it. I ran, I jumped, I landed in the foam pit, I rejoiced in my little adventure. Then, I blacked out a little bit. Yup, one of the small children throwing themselves around had jumped off of the ramp and landed on my head. When the room stopped spinning, I realized which one of the children had landed on me. I'm pretty sure he was the offspring of the Hulk. Probably 12 years old. LOTS of kid to land on my little head. I shook it off, well, didn't actually shake because that would have hurt my head, and continued my adventure. I climbed the rock wall, fell off the rock wall into the foam pit, learned how to do a flip into a different foam pit and suddenly felt invincible.
Then, I decided to take it on. There was this amazing platform that you could jump off of onto a super powered trampoline where you were supposed to propel yourself onto another trampoline and then throw yourself onto a pile of mats. Sounds pretty epic, right? The platform is about 12-15 feet high, but realizing "Hey, I'm 23 years old. Let's not get crazy", I slide down so I'm only about 8-10 feet off the ground and jump onto the trampoline of doom. I was suddenly way higher in the air than I was expecting to be and terrified for my life.
Realizing a split second too late that I needed to propel myself onto the next trampoline, I tried. I really did. But, alas, it was too late and I fell short of the trampoline. I experienced every parents nightmare when their child jumps on the trampoline. I landed on the bar. Let's talk about a sudden stop. My right ankle was throbbing and I couldn't feel my foot. Refusing to look like an idiot (because I didn't already....), I said I wasn't hurt and stood up. When I stood up, the bones above my ankle went one way and my foot went the other. I know I didn't get an 8 year degree in medicine, but I was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen. I walked, kinda, over to a chair and tried to figure out what had just happened. I could walk on it, so I didn't think it was broken, but I've never broken a bone before, so there was a sliver of doubt. I stopped jumping around and accepted that I was probably hurt.
After leaving, it was time to go finish moving all of my stuff from Pleasant Grove to my storage unit and Provo. It was about 2 hours before I realized that something was seriously wrong. I could barely put weight on it, my entire leg was weak, and I don't remember ever being in so much pain. I looked at it for the first time since it happened and my ankle was, no exaggeration, about the size of a baseball. By the end of the day, my ankle looked like it had been shot up with Polyjuice Potion and was about 18 different shades of purple. I took the next day off of work and went to see the doctor. Well, the gastroenterologist I worked for until the middle of May. He looked at it and told me that it was a severe sprain with capillary rupture. He put me on crutches and told me to stay off of it for as long as I could. Which, as a dancer in a show that only rehearses for 6 weeks, was about 4 days. For the rest of the week, I worked and rehearsed on crutches. When I wasn't on crutches, I crawled. Talk about pathetic.
So, after 3 weeks of crutches, crawling, limping, hopping, 3200 mgs of ibuprofen a day, 3 ace bandages and 2 ankles braces, I think *knock on wood* it's almost healed. I actually wore high heels to church today :) Now, I just have to be as careful as I can for the next 2 weeks so it doesn't get in the way of this awesome show that I can't wait for!!!
Moral of the story: Trampolines = Bouncing death traps. The end.

Goodnight

Dry away the tear. Lay aside your fears. No more pain for my love. I am here, now go to sleep.

And when the angels come, I know that they will treat you well. That they will pull you through and lift you up from all that's held you down.

There's a heaven up there and it waits just for you. So close your eyes and dream and there will be a world you once knew.

A world without the pain that has stuck with you for far too long. A world that does contain a love like mine to watch you grow strong.

And when my time arrives, please wait and make a place for me. For when I do arrive, your face should be the first face I see.

So dry away the tears. Lay aside your fears. No more pain for my love. It is time.

Now go to sleep....

I listened to that song all the way from Centerville to Pleasant Grove. Sawyer had me listen to it about 7 months ago. I can't believe you've been gone longer than you were sick. For incredible selfish reasons, I long for the time a year ago when I anxiously awaited your return home so we could help you through this and get you back to Florida as soon as your little body was ready.
More than that, I long for the times when we were young. Not a care in the world except making sure Mom and Dad didn't walk downstairs before we could change the TV from Friends to the Disney Channel and making sure we pushed record in time to get the newest episode of X-Files. I remember the nights that we stayed up later than we should have, reading Star Wars books and you taking the time to stop when I had a question, pulling out one of your many Star Wars encyclopedias and explaining it to me. I'm sorry to admit, a lot of the time I still didn't totally understand, but I wanted so badly to be like you and to make you proud that I pretended to.

Now, I hope I still make you proud. I hope that these little glimpses of dragonflies and fettucine noodles in my spaghetti are you saying that you are here with me and you are proud of what I'm doing and the things I'm accomplishing.
I know you are sitting next to me right now and playing with my hair. I could really go for one of your scalp massages right now. But, instead, I wait. However impatiently, I wait. I wait for the day that I'll be able to see your face and finally be able to hold you and hear your voice and tell you for the millionth time that I really did like the present you gave me for my 2nd birthday. I only said I didn't because it was naptime and I was cranky! I feel a little silly posting this online, but I feel like you still see it.
I miss you so much I can hardly breathe. Please never leave my side. I need you here and I always will. Friends for life, through all kinds of trouble and struggle and strife. "We all have someone special in the world and I have you." My sweet sister. I love you with all of my heart and soul.

And PS-My bra's in my ass!!!

Packed like pickles. It'll catch on.

I miss Brittanie so bad I can hardly breathe. She read me Berenstein Bear books and American Girl books and Star Wars books until I fell asleep on her bed. She snuck me episodes of FRIENDS when I was too young to watch them on my own without feeling guilty. She introduced me to Ellen Degeneres' comedic genius. She made me watch ridiculous movies until I loved them. We consumed so many medium pizzas and cinnamon sticks from Dominos that its a miracle we didn't weigh 400 pounds by the time we were 20. She taught me about character integrity and cheered me on at my first and last parades. We talked about everything. And I guess we still do, but I wish I could hear her laugh when I tell her about my ridiculous days and the things I can't believe I did.

Through all of this though, I keep coming back to Ellen. And not because she's so inspirational and an amazing role model. She is, but thats not why. Its because she can always make me laugh. I know that seems weird and a little twisted. Who would watch stand up comedy right now? Brittanie would. And she would want me to. She'd want me to laugh. And while my true laughter may come rarely, it's nice to know that it still exists. And while I wish I could hear her amazing laugh, I know she's quoting Ellen right next to me and laughing. What a great laugh that is. I'm so jealous of the people in Heaven that get to hear it all the time. I have a video that she took of me a few years ago and she's laughing behind the camera. You can't see her, but you can hear her. Its such a treasure and I don't know what I'd do if I were ever to lose it.

I don't know what the message of this post is, or if there even is one. Except maybe to remember to laugh. You never know whose life you are touching or even bringing a smile to their face when you laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNvzHLYUlJ4

Watch it. It'll make you laugh. :)

Don't stop believin'...hold on to that feelin'

Ok so I'm officially the worst blogger ever! Its been forever since I updated this ol' thing. Not like anybody ever reads it, but just in case! Plus its cathartic for me, right? Life has been so crazy. I seriously feel like my life has been flipped upside down and this is all a dream and I'm just waiting to wake up. I was talking to my mom about it the other day and if you had told me a year ago that I'd be hurrying to finish a certification program in time to get my own apartment, I'd still be working at Home Depot, and my sister would be my guardian angel, I probably would have slapped you and never spoken to you again.

A year ago seems like so long. I was in Beauty and the Beast and dating a great guy. I was stressing about school, but not super worried about it. I had awesome roommates and amazing friends. And most importantly, my sister was in Florida, performing, healthy, and happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with certain aspects of my life right now. I'm in an AWESOME show in Springville with some of the most talented people I've ever had the privelege to work with and have made so many new friends in the cast. I've gotten to be good friends with people (including my bestie) that I never would have met if I had quit Home Depot last summer like I had planned. My relationships with the amazing girls I met in Florida have been put to the test and they have more than stepped up to the challenge and made our friendships so much stronger. I'm getting close to being done with my Medical Assisting program, which is going to be a huge relief.

But then, the inevitable happens, and I get hit with a huge wave of "Remember how you had a sister four months ago?" I know she wants me to be happy and continue to love my life. And part of me is and does. But I feel like the stress of everything is starting to really weigh on me and take its toll. If I want to move out of my apartment (AND I DO!), then I have to be done with my program by the time my contract is up on August 20th so I have a steady income to pay for my own place. Now this doesn't sound like a lot, but it includes a period of front office work that takes anywhere from a week to 4 weeks and an internship. Plus, all of the clinical stuff that I haven't quite finished. This show in Springville (THAT I LOVE!!) is kind of a time suck (4 hours every Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday). I'm trying to work enough to stay afloat so usually my day consists of school from 8-12, work from 12:30-5:30, theatre from 6:00-10:30. And I was even trying to squeeze in rehearsals for another show in Orem on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but came to the conclusion the other day that, unfortunately, thats not very realistic. So now, I'm doing everything that I can to keep myself sane and happy, which is a pretty tall order these days. But I know its possible! I just remember that my guardian angel is sitting next to me, cheering me on, and telling me to get off Facebook and study or get ready for the show :)

And since this is kind of a Debbie Downer post, lets take a page out of Kelly Marie Hennessy's book and make a list!

The Small Things That Make Me Smile

• Dragonflies
• Getting texts from my beefer

• The 'thread' on Facebook between the Florida girls that started 2 1/2 years ago and is now over 2000 messages

• Doing a pass off at school
• Getting up on that stage and becoming a skank from the 50s
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• In n Out
• Talking to old friends
• Watching Gilmore Girls
• Watching Gilmore Girls and hearing a line I had forgotten about and legitly laughing out loud
• Hearing something on Grey's Anatomy that I've learned about and actually knowing what they are talking about when someone needs an oophorsalpingohysterectomy
• Newsies
• Getting back in touch with people I haven't talked to in years
• Ellen Degeneres introducing Lauren Graham in Spanish
• Matthew Morrison. Nuff said.
• Getting a good parking spot
• Wearing my stage makeup to work when I won't have time to do it at the theater
• Seeing peoples reactions to me wearing stage makeup to work
• Seize the Day set to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Seriously. Look it up.
• Hearing my friends laughing from the other side of the register
• Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that is my employment at Home Depot
• Looking at one bedroom apartments
• The cute apron I plan on buying to use in my new apartment
• Tuesday nights with Aimee
• Pretty Little Liars
• Learning that everyone is secretly a theater nerd. Admit it. You love Glee.
• Getting tickets to the midnight showing of Eclipse
• Remembering the midnight showing of Twilight
• Dancing in the shower
• Knowing that I'm starting blood draws either tomorrow or Monday.
• The color pink
• Waking up to texts that say "I love you have a good day"
• Calls from Laura just to call me princess and tell me she loves me

• Texts from Chelsie that say "Why don't you work today!?"









• Texts from Chelsie that say "You work today, right?!"
• Randomly calling my mom to say hi and being able to actually hear her smile when she hears my voice
• Knowing that my parents love me
• Seeing my parents in the front row of every performance of every show I've been in, even though they live an hour away
• Hearing things that I know my sister sent to make me smile
• Seeing things that I know my sister sent to make me smile

• Feeling my sister around
• Knowing that I'll always feel my sister around
• Knowing that tomorrow is a new day :)

Love you all so much!!!

Some Things are Meant To Be

How do I go on?

Just an empty room...

All I have are memories.

I need a task to do

Someone give me a task to do

I need a.....

I thought that somehow we would always have forever

I thought the promises we made would have a different end

I thought the love we shared would keep us as we were

It was the fire within me.

We dreamed and plotted with abandon in this attic

When we were gathered here the room became our citadel

We were amazing then my sister and I

She was the fire within me

In this room I knew we were alive

Nothing was too painful to survive

We faced the world together

The two of us forever side by side

Everything I promised was for her

I was hers no matter where or when

How can that be lost forever?

How when I gave everything with all my heart?

Everything I promised her is here

Both of us the way we used to be

We will always have each other

She will always be the fire in my heart

Here I go, and there's no turning back

My great adventure has begun

I may be small

But I've got giant plans

To shine as brightly as the sun

Here in all the smallest details of the past

Here in this attic suddenly life is something vast

The both of us forever here at last

As unexpected as can be

Astonishing.

I wish I could post with happier news. I wish with all of my heart that I could be saying that we got the results back from my sisters final scans and she is completely tumor free. I wish I could say that she just needs to do a few months of physical therapy and then she can get back to Florida, back up on that float, right where she belongs.

However, my sweet sister's condition got exponentially worse literally overnight. She was admitted back to Huntsman Cancer Institute on Friday, February 26th, hopefully to control the pain that was getting so much worse in her back and between her shoulder blades. I was able to go up for the weekend and spend time with her, even though she was almost completely unconscious because of the amount of pain medication she was on. I went back on Sunday night on the condition that my mom would call me if ANYTHING changed. She called me on Monday night and told me that I needed to come up that night. There wasn't anything more they could do for Brittanie and she would be gone within a couple weeks, possibly a matter of days.

For the next 5 days, we had a constant stream of visitors at the hospital, including her roommates from Florida Meg and Beth, Beth's fiancee Trevor, Brittanie's best friend Sawyer from Las Vegas, Chirpie from California, Becky from Colorado, Victoria from Florida, and a number of friends and family from around Utah.

Saturday morning around 5:30, my mom called me at home and said that Brittanie was getting close and I needed to get there. Chirpie had just made it into town a few hours earlier, so Sawyer and I woke him up and brought him to the hospital with us and hoped that we would make it in time for Chirpie to have a few minutes with Brittanie. Chirpie was with her until about 6:30, then my dad and mom and I slept in her room with the monitors turned up so if anything started to change, we would wake up.

About 8:25, I heard the alarms start to go off and my parents start to move around. My mom woke me up and told me to go to Brittanie's bedside. Within a minute or two, my sweet sister was free of all the pain and torture from this evil disease.

The next few hours are a blur to me. There are many things that I will remember for the rest of my life, like finally being able to lie with her and hug her and hold her without worrying about hurting her. I sat with her and sang to her and just felt so much peace. My best friend was out of pain and was dancing with angels and partying with our Grandpa Duke, Uncle Cliff, Aunt Deb and Inkie, our dog.

I remember my sister in law, Andy, making me lie down at one point because I was hysterical and finally giving me a Valium. Leave it to me, right? After that, I don't remember much. Except for one little inside Ellen joke that I knew she sent to make me smile. And it worked :) I was vaguely aware about an hour later of my dear friend, Shordy, coming to my parents house and lying with me until I fell asleep, but after that I was out for a few hours.

The next day, we celebrated my sisters life in true Brittanie Siobhan fashion: with an Oscar Party! My brother, sister in law, two nieces, Sawyer, Chirpie, my parents and I filled out Oscar ballots, each put $5 in the pool and watched the entire show. Its a tradition we've had for years and even when Brittanie was on the other side of the country, we would all call one another on commercial breaks and talk about the awards given since our last conversation. We like to think she had a front row seat at the awards that night. Right next to Heath Ledger :)

The week after that is also pretty blurry. Lots of arrangements were made, and thats pretty much it. Friday night, the 12th, was the viewing. The turn out was out of this world, but then, did Brittanie ever expect anything traditional? So many friends, family members, coworkers (past and present) and childhood neighbors showed up to pay their respects and let us know how much they loved our girl. When our family got there at 5:45pm, the line was already out the door and it wasn't even scheduled to start until 6. We didn't leave the funeral home until 9:30 that night. It was amazing.

Saturday is almost too difficult to describe right now. I hope I'll be able to at some point, but I feel as though right now it is too sacred. She would have been very pleased though. There were tears, but more importantly, there was laughter. After the services and the luncheon, Sawyer, Chirpie and his friend Tim, Shordy and I came back to the house and had a Brittanie Movie Night. We watched Drop Dead Gorgeous and 300 and ate lots of Fat Kid Food. She would have been very proud of the Fat Kids :)

Now its technically 3 days after the funeral and I have to return to my life in Provo tomorrow night. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that, though. I can't imagine a "normal life" without my sister. My partner in crime. My other half. So I guess we'll see how that goes. I know she'll be with me, helping take every step. And I know that she wouldn't want me to sit around and be sad. She'd want me to go on with my life, remember her, and make my life Astonishing. http://obit.russonmortuary.com/obitdisplay.html?id=763390&listing=Current